my so-called routine, part 1 (out of the total of 1 parts, maybe)

hey, hey
, we’re the monkeys and all that

i haven’t written anything worth in here for a while, and here finally comes a new something. i’ve started this almost a month ago, so i’m turning into some awfully lazy bum, yes.

To be honest, I somehow was sure that, as long as I leave the country (which is Russia, if you’re not very aware of my life, which is fine), everything would just completely change. That, as one young Alice, I would step into a completely different world, full of creatures, actions, and rules impossible to imagine. You know, people riding sewing machines to get to the Moon, and then going back to the Earth by just jumping very-very high (everyone knows that you can jump higher on the Moon than on the Earth because of the gravity and all these sci-stuff), and, during the whole process Moon singing his wonderful song about “Neil Armstrong walking on my face…” with his retarded voice of a chalked-faced idiot. Something like that. But I am still made of flesh and blood and breathing oxygen and laughing at stupid jokes no one else ever understands. There are still plenty of chavs and just not-good people in the world, and a part of them is still somewhere around me, and the cancer cure still isn’t invented. So, if there’s such thing as half-, or even quarter-frustration, than that’s exactly what I am experiencing here at the moment. Continue reading

preparation for the big leaving

hello friends
all the papers are done, all the stuff i’m likely to need is bought, everything is repaired and prepared.
there’s less than a week left.
and so yes.

still feels so unimaginable, to be frank.
I dunno how am i going to manage to stay sane.

so many things will change, undoubtedly.

and, of course, I will have a rare opportunity to change. to finally let the always partying, happy and fun-to-be-with nica score a victory over my gloomy and grumpy introverted self who’s sitting at the throne of me at the moment. i don’t think it’s a bad self, but is this self necessary and useful? is it my actual self, or just a selfie? which one of my selves is better, providing they both are any good at all? will i really be able to change one self to another in this land of rising kafka, who, by the way, wasn’t the most shining and optimistic and not weird people? will i find somebody that i used to know and make friends with them? will not they turn out to be more stupid than my ex-classmates, who are basically one of the reasons i’m leaving? will i be able to cope with all the pressure of the adult and mature life i am about to lead and not go mad? will there be any improvements in my life at all?
every second adds one more doubting question to this list.

to my mind, life is just an awfully, massively, hugely big queue for all-prize lottery tickets, where everyone hopes to win the biggest prize no matter how much resources they have and whether they deserve it. is there any use of me queueing? am i the one who’s fate is to win the biggest prize ever? or will i get just a 5 p. trinket no one needs and wants? will i ever know answers to all the questions i’m asking? (answers that sound anything like “42” don’t count)

it’s a complicated queue.
but i hope to get at least a cup of tea.

however, i miss civilization. proper shower. the cynicism. the internet. all the tv-shows and fandoms. practically, haven’t been online since the 30th of may. and my laptop’s broken, by the way, so i haven’t watched anything for ages. when i get there, i will necessarily start some new shows and films and books – the more and bigger, the better – like the game of thrones or harry potter or doctor who. it’s strange, actually, that i haven’t  been in those fantabulous worlds of fantasy or science fiction.
no doubt it’ll be the first thing i’ll do.

hope nothing will go wrong and there will be no wars declared or meteorites falling down or nicas kidnapped or armageddons coming. hope it’ll lead to a good ending, a better life and everything.

stay here and follow me, my ideas, thoughts, inclinations, feelings and friends. i’ll be in touch and touchable.

love all and every one of you,

a triumphal speech

hello hello hello to you all

still can’t believe i’ll be off so soon. less than a month is left. and after these short 23 days of summer there is a whole new life alluring with freedom, new people, greater possibilities – and scaring with the same.

a new town to live in.
a new country to learn.
a new language to speak.
a new neighbourhood to familiarise myself with.
a new ground to walk on.
a new air to breath.
a new sky to look at.
a new stuff to create.
a new laptop to use.
a completely new existence to start.

i am scared, honestly. and glad, of course. life will never be the same.
there’ll never be these two little entry-levels of mine, nor the other two, who once happened to become my parents. there’ll never be those stupid morons i had to share a classroom with. the few friends of mine, gained in a hard struggle with life and society and self, will never be there as well. there will never be the chubby lady who used to help me open the door to english and to the world. there’ll never be them. and i don’t think they’ll be ever able to know how much i love them all and how much they’ve done to me.

i already miss them more than one can ever expect.

still, there are hills and mountains of new fantabulous things at the door into my life, staying patiently, waiting for their moment to come in. i’m not sure, actually, but there must be. life can’t be crap all the time, can it?

besides, i will take a sentimental journey this december. not only to renew old memories, of course, but also to pick up some stuff (my tom-toms, for example, or The Mighty Book Of Boosh), to get a wild west christmas party started and to require a new visa – this one’s only for 6 month.

it’ll be great to come back home. it always is.

hope the home guys won’t forget me while i’m away. i’m too fantabulous to forget.

lots and lots and lots of love,

too sad to think of a proper title

hi there

tomorrow is my last day here in Vorkuta. hell i’m gonna miss this place. it’s not perfect, of course, as one can see from the previous post, but still. this small northern town is where i was born once, said my first word, made my first step (which actually was more of a run – i started running before learning to walk like a proper human being), ate my first toffee sweet, went to school and so on and so forth. this is (or was earlier) a wonderful town with tragic history (or just story, seventy years don’t seem to be a very massive period of time at this point), interesting people, and charming culture. now, unfortunately, the process of living here is robbed of its joy for everyone – not only because i’m leaving, but also because the whole place seems to be at the evening of its life. not good news indeed.

i’ll definitely miss every single rock left there, not mentioning all the wonderful citizens of this lovely nothing such as my beloved family, Lena Sidorova, Vlada Kurilina, Sasha Dorofeeva, Ekoterina Zolochevskaya etc (they’re mentioned here to read this someday and be incredibly flattered). Вы просто космические, чуваки. Я вас обожаю. Правда.

so, this is it. the beginning of a whole (or almost whole) new life. tomorrow i’ll go by plane for the first time of my life. thrilled, unquestionably, and uncontrollably excited.

hope that’s for the best. hope it’ll be getting so much better all the time.

i’m gonna miss the snuff box i’ve been living in. (yes, it’s a complete damn mess here. just like in my tiny little mind)



so, that is it. i’m not there. love you all guys.

end of line.

p.s. already missing my (already ex) classmates. weird, actually, cause they’re morons.