all the papers are done, all the stuff i’m likely to need is bought, everything is repaired and prepared.
there’s less than a week left.
and so yes.
still feels so unimaginable, to be frank.
I dunno how am i going to manage to stay sane.
so many things will change, undoubtedly.
and, of course, I will have a rare opportunity to change. to finally let the always partying, happy and fun-to-be-with nica score a victory over my gloomy and grumpy introverted self who’s sitting at the throne of me at the moment. i don’t think it’s a bad self, but is this self necessary and useful? is it my actual self, or just a selfie? which one of my selves is better, providing they both are any good at all? will i really be able to change one self to another in this land of rising kafka, who, by the way, wasn’t the most shining and optimistic and not weird people? will i find somebody that i used to know and make friends with them? will not they turn out to be more stupid than my ex-classmates, who are basically one of the reasons i’m leaving? will i be able to cope with all the pressure of the adult and mature life i am about to lead and not go mad? will there be any improvements in my life at all?
every second adds one more doubting question to this list.
to my mind, life is just an awfully, massively, hugely big queue for all-prize lottery tickets, where everyone hopes to win the biggest prize no matter how much resources they have and whether they deserve it. is there any use of me queueing? am i the one who’s fate is to win the biggest prize ever? or will i get just a 5 p. trinket no one needs and wants? will i ever know answers to all the questions i’m asking? (answers that sound anything like “42” don’t count)
it’s a complicated queue.
but i hope to get at least a cup of tea.
however, i miss civilization. proper shower. the cynicism. the internet. all the tv-shows and fandoms. practically, haven’t been online since the 30th of may. and my laptop’s broken, by the way, so i haven’t watched anything for ages. when i get there, i will necessarily start some new shows and films and books – the more and bigger, the better – like the game of thrones or harry potter or doctor who. it’s strange, actually, that i haven’t been in those fantabulous worlds of fantasy or science fiction.
no doubt it’ll be the first thing i’ll do.
hope nothing will go wrong and there will be no wars declared or meteorites falling down or nicas kidnapped or armageddons coming. hope it’ll lead to a good ending, a better life and everything.
stay here and follow me, my ideas, thoughts, inclinations, feelings and friends. i’ll be in touch and touchable.
love all and every one of you,